Flat Apple

It’s not so common knowledge that the apples of history have often been flattened by the historical record. We are here today to deflate the rumors and flatten any and all misinformation. Let’s start at the beginning with the most egregious flattening … Eve’s forbidden apple. This famous yet unknown-to-be flat apple was only forbidden in the first place because of its organic flatness. This bias unfortunately set a path for flat apples to forever be considered a taboo fruit. For years, the deliciousness of flat apples was largely forgotten, they were primarily used as flying disks to knock other fruits off of trees. During the late trade era, flat apples were dried and used as placemats often being traded for other flat household items such as rugs and coasters. Smaller flat apples were also dried and used as coasters, the flat seeds were made into charms for jewelry. In the 1400s, the first flat apple orchard was cultivated in what is now present day Poland, the orchard was only able to be seen from East to West due to the flatness of the trees which rendered it almost completely invisible to a viewer looking North to South. This caused quite a lot of confusion for travelers in the region who found themselves lost in what seemed to be some sort of endless field of walls. Years later in the 1600s, it was the odd shape of the flat apple that gave Newton the idea for gravity, the apple “fell flat” as they say would later say, his idea however, did not! In the late 1700s, flat apples grew in popularity among the revolutionaries in France and were often seen flying out from among the large crowds of people towards the heads of the corrupt monarchy. No death-due-to-flat-apple-flogging was ever recorded, it was more the gutting embarrassment one felt at the sight of a floppy limp apple dangling from a top one’s head. Almost lost to history flat apples became a rare delicacy until finding a home in North America in the late 1800s as a base for the original American Apple Pie. During this time apples were shipped with ease (due to their flatness) across the country from New York to California. New York gained such a huge reputation for their delicious flat apples that the city was briefly nicknamed “The Big Flat Apple”. Later they were forced to remove “flat” from the name due to trademark infringement with a local toy company who had licensed the name for a small jigsaw puzzle. Flat apples continue to be a rare delicacy on the eastern coast of the United States but are often paired with flagels (flat bagels) and a flat soda.